Let’s talk about men talking.
Most of us have got some chat.
Most of us can get along with most people we meet – men, women, children, old, young, short, tall, people from different backgrounds, religions etc – you get the idea – indeed we would even talk to men who like different sports teams to ours. Mostly.
But I’ll tell you what us blokes and lads sometimes struggle with – talking about the ‘big’ stuff, the emotional stuff, the “I’m-having-quite-a-tough-time-actually-mate” stuff and the “I-want-to-be-an-ally-but-don’t-want-to-say-the-wrong-thing” stuff.
When it comes to advocating for ourselves we’re usually ok at it on an individual level, but when it comes to advocating for others sometimes we don’t have the right words or don’t feel it’s our place to step in and challenge inequality, inequity, abuse or unfairness at work. But at Belfast City Council all that’s changing with the Men In Conversation project which began at an extended two-hour lunchtime on the 24th March over some sandwiches and me facilitating it!
The initiative is nestled within BCC’s Ending Violence Against Women and Girls seven-year strategy and this preventative programme is intended to open debate to a wider audience and help some more male staff members become better-versed in understanding how Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) manifests itself, the continuums of harm that permit it to occur and the cultures that enable and even sometimes cover up abuse and violence.
After speaking about my role and experience and why I’m so passionate about working to educate men and boys about ending VAWG, we explored stereotypes and the way all stereotyping is on one hand almost inevitable but on the other is also something that frequently limits and harms us all.
With a little prompt from me, the gents from a wide range of ages, career stages and departments talked in groups about how stereotypes had affected them: from being discouraged from pushing his son in a stroller by his father-in-law through to being somewhat steered away from dance as a pre-teen. All attendees opened up and shared their experiences.
We went on to talk about culture and the cultures we all work within, the way we live our lives, the way culture can shape and mould our behaviour and, ultimately that we ARE all culture. It’s not an abstract thing we are slotted into, it’s something we create with our attitudes, beliefs and behaviours.
Now that the verbal floodgates were opened we had some open, challenging and moving discussions about what cultures had shaped them throughout their unique years in Belfast and Northern Ireland.
We then shifted gears as I quoted John Amaechi OBE: “a culture is defined by the worst behaviour we tolerate” and went on to open discussions around women in the workplace, allyship and how we – as men – can advocate for women’s safety, equality and opportunity at work.
Back to heads together and then a question from one of the participants:
“if I know I’m not a problem for women, how do I prove it?”
We prodded and poked this one a bit and talked about words and deeds and then – instead of moving through the content I’d prepared, I decided that THIS was the very essence of why we were together in that training room with tea, coffee and sandwiches:
“How do any of us prove we’re not just safe to be around, but also a positive person to know?”
And lo and behold, the remaining time was taken up in discussions, feedback across the room and a feeling of having shared valuable thoughts and feelings and some tools to try back on the day job.
Hands were shaken, backs (gently) slapped and sandwiches hastily grabbed on the way back to work and the following feedback was left on the table:
“Eye-opening, great facilitation. A beginning”
“Would be great to revisit and discuss how to spread this conversation into areas (and amongst groups) as yet untouched”
“Very useful session”
Long may their wee chats continue in Belfast, and between more and more men in workplaces everywhere – after all, we are ALL culture, all of us.
If you’re looking for some support with getting men together and talking, developing allyship programmes, developing a dignity at work culture or holding space for difficult conversations please get in touch.
Bernie.
@_WhatMakesAMan_
bernie@innovativeenterprise.co.uk