Let’s stop calling it ‘Toxic’ Masculinity.
Whether or not you’ve seen Adolescence from Netflix, there is a very telling scene in Episode three where Jamie, the boy at the centre of the drama is interviewed by the Psychologist who is there to assess his understanding of his crime, his predicament and also to assess his attitudes and beliefs. The scene is intense and takes place in the interview room of the secure training unit with the Psychologist, Briony Ariston.
They start with a broad discussion around Jamie’s background, his family, his Dad and Grandfather…gradually Briony starts to gently move onto the broad topic of men and masculinity. Jamie describes his dad and grandad as “men”. Briony asks “would masculine be an ok word to use?”
Jamie becomes wary and replies ‘you used it”…Briony explores what masculine might look like – mending things, making things, going to the pub… There’s a defensiveness that begins to creep into Jamie.
Briony returns to masculinity and Jamie is keen to turn the conversation back to him and what he said to her: “ is this because I said you sounded like a granny? And now you’re just going on about masculine stuff. Before when you came you had actual questions, now you’re just chatting sh*t…it feels like a trick. My dad’s OK…there isn’t a need to talk about him”
Jamie then asks to see her notes, starts being sarcastically assertive and tries to steer the conversation away from masculinity.
Briony asks about family, the last visit and a fight with his friend. Jamie shrugs it off and tries to look unconcerned.
Briony asks “I’m interested to understand what being a man feels like?” and Jamie retorts with “so you want a c*ck and balls do you?” again defensive and distracting. Briony reflects that the fight he had was ‘too small to talk about’ and ‘being a man is too big a subject to talk about’.
After some probing, Jamie becomes very aggressive and sprays his hot chocolate across the room yelling: “you do not control what I do in my life. Get that into that f**king little head of yours”
He apologises “I shouted. I’m sorry”
After a break, the Psychologist returns to the interview room and speaks to Jamie:
“…ok, well, I suppose the other thing I think of in relation to the word ‘masculinity’ would be how masculine men feel about women?
Jamie: “We’re back on that are we…?”
Jamie: “ask your questions about men, women, whatever…”
This evasiveness is so well observed and I’ll tell you why. The main reason is the way the ‘manosphere’ develops ideas about men and masculinity being somehow ’under attack’ – a concept I call manufactured male victimhood – and then gives young men the tools to rebut these accusations and supposed attacks.
Manufactured male victimhood is the main currency of the manosphere and it suggests that men are marginalised in every way by women, by feminism, by diversity and inclusion programmes and by the liberation feminism has given women – who now choose men who are exclusively High Value based on the malapropism of some vague research findings. These supposed pressures that ‘oppress’ men are then what the manosphere influencers appeal to with their monetised podcasts, courses and guides to ‘masculinity’.
Which is why we need to stop talking about ‘toxic’ masculinity – mainly because young men and boys who are exhibiting these traits have already been primed to react AS IF they are under attack and will therefore not be amenable to opening or entering into discussions around it. You will probably hear:
“so all masculinity is toxic?”
“what about toxic femininity?”
“not all men”
“not all masculinity is toxic – why do you hate all men?”
“that’s just misandry”
What shall we do about this then?
- The first suggestion I will make is to understand that young men who are becoming influenced by the shouting men with microphones are very likely to have their defences and distractions ready through listening to plenty of short engaging clips on social media and longer form videos. Stop calling it ‘toxic masculinity’.
- Secondly, opening a more broad debate around stereotyping is often a helpful way to proceed – how are men and women stereotyped, how do boys and girls become pigeonholed as one thing or another.
- Ask if that stereotyping is helpful because of the additional rules we need to live by just because of our age, gender, background etc.
- Speak about being more empathetic rather than judgemental – because they will definitely have been judged and judged other people. Ask if they think this is helpful. Also help them to see that if the issue of judgement is on them as well as everyone else around them and who they interact with.
- Talk about behaviours rather than absolutes – a type of masculinity that seems ‘toxic’ could be a set of attitudes and behaviours rather than a core-rottenness.
- I introduce the topic of unhealthy or unhelpful masculinity after discussing my sixth-form scrapes with the law, with fighting, hooliganism, shoplifting and my attitude to violence. This was me using Dominance-Based Masculinity, a way of seeing myself above others and behaving in a way to seem better / cooler / harder / more attractive than other men. Most of my displays of masculinity were about showing off in front of other men. And it earned me a criminal record and an E and a U at A-Level from a Grammar School.
So the idea that men ‘aren’t emotional’ isn’t true AND young men are well-versed in reacting emotionally when they perceive a slight upon them or their version of masculinity. It can be useful to help young men come to the lightbulb moment that allows them to reflect on their behaviour and realise that they can CHOOSE their own version of manliness – but it’s a conversation fraught with pitfalls and landmines.
My workshop What Makes A Man / (Hu)Man allows us to explore this with your students and help them get a handle on stereotyping and healthier masculinities and relationships.