***Trigger Warning – sexual assault, rape and sexual violence***
Shame Must Change Sides.
Four words that will change the world.
Four words that have highlighted the power and bravery of Gisèle Pelicot.
Four words that are already shifting the focus of the Pelicot trial in Avignon, France onto the victim-survivor Gisèle Pelicot who is gaining rather more of the limelight than the dozens of men charged with rape, the male perpetrators and the ex-husband Dominique Pelicot who masterminded this horrifying depravity.
One thing I’ve seen time and time again online as I talk about male violence against women and girls (MVAWG) is the cry of ‘not all men’ which is frequently raised by men when we’re talking about it, as if there’s nothing one man can do to change another man’s behaviour and there’s NOT anything us individual men can (and often should) do when we suspect / think / know harm is being done to women by other men. If the trial of Dominique Pelicot in France tells us *anything* about male behaviour it’s that the Continuum of Harm is a very real measure of human behaviour and how men very much CAN influence other men’s behaviour.
In this case in Avignon, Dominique Pelicot, Gisèle Pelicot’s ex-husband, has admitted to recruiting men online to rape his wife while she was under the effect of heavy sedatives and sleeping pills that he administered to her secreted in meals for a decade. Most of the rapes were filmed.
Dominique Pelicot’s behaviour and actions exemplify the way harms CAN be facilitated by the culture we men create – in this case by just one man. (As the case is currently in court, the word ‘alleged’ needs to be added to the crimes listed below). Although ‘alleged’, many of the crimes and assaults, abuses and violations were filmed and curated by Pelicot and therefore have been used in evidence:
– he drugged and raped his wife
– he filmed it
– he normalised it for himself
– he offered other men the chance to do the same
– he advertised this perversion on the dark web
– he showed other men it was ok to do this to his wife – while she was unconscious
– tens of thousands of men saw this advert
– dozens responded
– dozens visited and raped her
– he filmed them too for his further gratification / titillation
– only 3 men refused when she was drugged – not one of them told the Police what Dominique Pelicot was doing.
– 80 men *at least* raped her
– NOT ONE MAN who saw the advert told the police
– EVERY MAN who saw the advert was complicit in his acts
Dominic Pelicot curated the environment and culture that allowed these dozens of ‘normal’ men to indulge their rape fantasies.
Pelicot enabled, encouraged and allowed men to become the rapists who defiled his sedated wife.
It may be comforting for many people to think of the notion of a rapist being a ‘monster’ or a shadowy figure preying on women walking alone at night – which of course is a reasonable fear for women to hold – BUT the UK Census quotes statistics between 2017 and 2020 showing that only 15% of women over 16 who were sexually assaulted were assaulted by a stranger…the majority is therefore someone known to them. In the UK, 99% of reported sexual assaults were perpetrated by a man, with 88% of victims being women.
If one man, Dominique Pelicot, can do this – purposefully curate the environment where men are confident that they will get away with such a heinous crime – then ALL men are capable of doing the opposite: changing narratives about MVAWG amongst other men and stopping harm when we see it starting…and it starts with words.
The Continuum of Harm is a cultural model of organisations and communities developed in the US Military which highlights the importance of looking at everyday behaviours and interactions as part of a continuum. It’s analogous to learning about any cultural or behavioural phenomenon – the more you learn about the ethics and practices of behaviours, the more you accept or reject different behaviours.
If those responding to posts or threads about MVAWG are saying ‘not all men’ to distance themselves from those perpetrating violence, sexual assault, domestic abuse and / or coercive control, they are actively ignoring or denying the effects we see in the Continuum of Harm because if one man can convince and indeed encourage dozens of men that it’s acceptable in his eyes to rape his own wife while she’s unconscious, then it is DEFINITELY possible for us as men to create the environments where rape is seen as unthinkable as cannibalism – or at the very least as a totally abhorrent crime based on power, violence and abuse.
I’m developing the focus on and use of the Continuum of Harm into more workshops and writing about masculinity and stereotyped behaviour as an antidote to the manufactured victimhood I see from the likes of Tate and Peterson – who want to blame women for all men’s ills, who weaponise falsehoods and the scale of ‘false rape accusations’. I’m doing this because I believe that unless we as men get involved and acknowledge the reality of the cultures we create / permit then the safety of women and girls will not be improved.
For those who say ‘there’s no such thing as rape culture’ I respond – there is.
Rape Culture looks like this:
- there’s widespread use of the term ‘rape’ – plenty of women are threartened with being raped online – especially those in power, the public eye or politics,
- there are p0rn genres dedicated to rape,
- p0rn never features consent and young men and boys see adult content – whether they search for it or not – that actively glorifies sexual violence and violation.
- The global poster-boy for misogyny Andrew Tate sent a text message to an alleged victim which said ‘I loved raping you’. He also sent the same woman a voice note saying ‘the more you didn’t like it, the more I enjoyed it’.
- there is someone found guilty of rape who is running for president in America.
- I was once brought in to work at a school after a disturbing incident involving WhatsApp messages between Year 10 students in which a boy sent a text message to a female friend which said “I think your friend Amy is really rapeable”.
So how do we get to a place where these unsavoury and illegal situations occur? Not through a plan, but through the gradual normalisation of sexual violence and the terms around it…in the same but opposite way, the Continuum of Harm can be used to drip-by-drip explore on a regular basis the need for empathy, kindness and the rejection of inappropriate sexual and relationship conduct and the normalisation of consent.
Surely it must be easier to reinforce kindness and respect than violence and violation?
Where can men get involved in initiating these challenging conversations?
Everywhere – WE ARE CULTURE – all of us, so we all have a voice in shaping the cultures within which we all live:
- Home – as Dads we need to have the conversation about consent and sexual assault (if girls are taught to be careful because of men, then we as men need to enter the chat with our sons too);
- Schools – not just PSHE and RSE sessions but in the general discussion of values and boundaries;
- Sports – it’s incumbent on sports coaches to give guidance to behaviours within and outside the sport: discipline crosses disciplines;
- Friends – calling in your mates quietly when they make sexist, misogynistic and abusive comments (calling in reduces the public shame of calling them out);
- Workplaces – equality doesn’t happen by magic, we need to work at improving safety, empathy and opportunity.
For too long men have stood by and wrung their hands saying ‘what can we do?’
For me, the Continuum of Harm is a major start point in helping us all get involved in changing the cultures that keep us all safe and helping men stand up for women and girls everywhere…and in doing so, help our brothers, fathers and sons to be happier, healthier and more empathetic men.
YES. ALL. MEN.
It’s on us men to change this.